How to Fart in Public and Get Away With It


How To Fart in Public:

We've all been there. The urge creeps up. The panic sets in. What do I do? Where do I go? If you can't escape to a private location, here are a few tips to consider:

  • Move to the noisiest place you can find. Noise will mask the sound.

Can you find the guy farting in this crowd?
  • Move to the most crowded place you can find. For starters, a crowd usually results in a certain level of noise. More importantly, a large number of people will help deflect blame. 
  • At the moment of release, create a noisy distraction such as coughing, slamming a drawer, or dropping a heavy object.
  • Work with an accomplice. You can do this by agreeing upon a code word with a close friend. Your accomplice will be required to create a diversion whenever you speak the code word. You should agree to return the favor for him. 

The guy on the left is helping the guy on the right
  • At the first natural opportunity, exit the area. Walk confidently but not too quickly. You don't want to look like you're fleeing a crime scene. 
  • If you cannot leave the area, consider passing the blame. Small children, pets and the elderly are obvious targets. Whatever you do, never blame it on a woman. 

You could certainly blame this guy.


Pro Tip: You can avoid this situation completely by making smart dietary choices. Of course, no two digestive systems are alike, so experiment with different foods to determine which ones affect you the most. As a general rule, it's wise to avoid the following "high-risk" foods before any party or social function: beans (particularly baked beans), broccoli, brussel sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, chili, grains, and fiber (especially pumpernickel bread), onions, oysters, and salads. 

Source: Stuff Every Man Should Know, by Brett Cohen, pg 70-71

Now you all know how to Fart in Public and Get away with it...Congrats

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